Why Smart Phones Are Like Oranges

Actually, smart phones are nothing like oranges. My analogy is that they’re like orgasms, but I had a nightmare last night that the title got displayed in bright neon, with my name attached to it, and was flashed all over the world like a news headline: WHY SMART PHONES ARE LIKE ORGASMS!!! by Linda Cousine, so I changed it. I didn’t think it was good form to start off my new blog post having to dig myself out of some sort of FCC trouble, so whenever you read the word “orange”—think orgasm.

Smart phones are like oranges—you don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve had your first—and once you’ve experience it, you wonder how you ever lived without them.

I’ve recently had the thrill of having my first. Smart phone, not orange. (I’m delighted to say, those, I’ve been having for years, although modesty and decorum—and possibly arrest—I mean, is there an age that’s too young to admit to? keep me from mentioning exactly how many years.)

And, although, I haven’t quite got down all the techniques (again, we’re talking phone here) I’m wondering how I survived all those years without the ability to instantly communicate to the world-at-large, (which in my world is all sixty-six people in my contacts, thirty-three of them duplicate numbers because of some sort of technical glitch).

For the longest time, I had phone envy, or maybe it was phone annoyance. I’d see all those young kids, texting away, their tiny teenage fingers a blur as they sent long messages in less time than it took me to find and press the ON, (or was it ACCEPT?) button on my old dinosaur phone. Little did I know, they were using some foreign cryptic lingo previously used only on vanity plates and adding little cutesy symbols called emoticons. My phone at the time had the old-fashioned keyboard with A-C, D-F, G-I…Just writing the word “Hi!” took five punches of the keypad and a bathroom break in the middle.

Not anymore, now I have a Smart Phone. An iPhone, no less. Unfortunately, my Smart Phone has a Dumb Human holding on to it, and while it is smart, it’s not smart enough to get beyond that. Still, I can do all sorts of fun things I couldn’t do before: surf the web, get my emails, text, get directions, take pictures, play games. Some amazing things. It even lets me do something called Face Time, where I can see the person I’m talking to. But that means they can see me, too. At 8:00 a.m., without make-up, and my hair a mess.

If only it came with an app that could give me an instant beauty makeover every time the phone rang.

Now, that would be a smart phone.

Linda Cousine
Women's Humor Writer
www.lindacousine.com